After three straight all-nighters I slept through the Thanksgiving Day last month. The Friday morning after was surprisingly sunny and warm for a Northeastern winter. While riding on the T to be part of the Black Friday Sale, I realized that when thinking about it, there really is not any particular Chinese holiday that was centered around “giving thanks.”
In the Chinese social context, “giving thanks” is delicate. When not properly executed, it could create an instant “distancing effect”. I remember that once I thanked a close friend for a small favor, she was quizzical yet amused, “Why would you just say thank you to me?” Growing up, I never really thanked my parents for anything. I couldn’t recall my dad ever thanked my mom, or vice versa. In a romantic relationship, I rarely say thank you – and am rarely thanked. Yet, somehow, our relationships keep going forward, without major frictions.
According to a Chinese saying, two situations are “exempted” from thanks, one does not thank those who are the closest and one does not thank for something truly huge (至亲不言谢，大恩不言谢). I wonder whether to an outsider this would sound terribly unappreciative. However, when I ponder the meaning of this Chinese saying, it seems there is a certain kind of wisdom to it. We do not thank those who are the closest, and we do not thank those who have helped us the most – there are certain things in life that are beyond the weight words can ever carry. There are relationships built upon mutual unspoken understanding and a profound sense of security, that render the expressive need of a verbal “thank you” moot.
“I got you a sweater when I was at the mall,” I told my mom after the Black Friday sale. “Oh you shouldn’t have,” she said.
And that’s my Chinese mother.