For the past month I was not able to write creatively – I guess on some level, I could always blame the start of a new semester (which is as usual, hectic and stressful) and taking a bit too many quantitative method courses (which are loaded with math formulas and proofs). However, as I examined my own writer’s block more closely – I realized that there was something more profound to it. I realized that gradually, without even taking notice, life has fallen into some sort of routine. The “culture shock” has worn off – things that might have perked my interest at first have become the fixture of my daily life. Quietly, inspiration is slipping away.
I do not know whether or not, at some point, every person would experience a similar shift into “banality”- when one first arrives at a new place, every little thing seems to be incredibly fascinating- the singer in the subway; the squirrel on the windowsill; how people talked, walked or laughed. You are suddenly at a new world – and it seems that life just opened up with a million new possibilities. But then gradually the sense of novelty went away, and the emotions and sentiments that are not so pretty sneak up on you – the feeling of loneliness, or nostalgia and homesick. The singer in the subway sings the same songs every day when you go to work and you come home to the same squirrels on the windowsill.
We all dream of a life of glamour, of greatness, of becoming extraordinary. Somehow, we forget about how to embrace the routine, the unremarkable and the ordinary. When I was fifteen or so, the thought of settling down scared me so much that I resulted in literally physically moving every couple of years. Now, with my writer’s block, it has finally become clear to me that even the newest place will get old with the passing of time – and this time, I know that the solution is not in leaving again, but in looking inward for the renewal from within.
我不知道，是否在一定程度上，人人都会体验这样一种“平庸”——好比初抵达一处，那些最简单的小事情都让人着迷：地铁里弹吉他的歌者，或是窗台上的胖松鼠，人们说话、行走与微笑的样子。那个初露眉目的新世界，仿佛生活打开的千万种可能。可是渐渐的，新鲜感淡去，那些并不那么美好的情感让你措手不及——怀念、孤独，乃至乡愁。地铁里的歌者唱着同样的歌，而窗台上的胖松鼠，总是同样一只。
我们总是期待闪亮的生活，期待卓越，期待超凡脱俗。在这样的过程中，我们忘记了如何面对平淡，面对凡俗，面对既定的轨道。我想起十五岁的时候，由于惧怕“安定下来”——我的抗拒办法是每两年，就要换一个地方生活。而现在，在这样的创作瓶颈中，我终于明白，那些最新的彼岸，也会到达，成为此处。而此时，我终于明白，对抗的办法不是再度离开，而是从这“此处”间，寻到新的远方。