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Here’s a timeline of your typical ABC (Australian-Born Chinese): I was born in Sydney, and lived in Shanghai with my grandparents from the age of 2 until 5 years old. From age 5 onwards, I moved back to Sydney, unable to utter one word of English. Then, I was put into an ESL class until I was 9 years old, and attended Chinese School on Saturdays to maintain my Chinese language ability. I visited my relatives every year for 2 weeks every year, but was always considered a ‘lao wai’ or outsider.

In Shanghai at the age of 4, I remember living in a public unit (大众公寓) with my grandparents, where I still remember the sound of chickens running in our backyard, and eating dinner and sleeping in the same 20 square meter room I’d call my home. I still recall when the streets where I’d follow my grandparents to do their grocery shopping were covered in garbage, spit and wasted food, and I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to leave this dirty country, Australia is the best country in the world.”

Two decades later, something I’ve come to realize is that although Australia/Sydney is considered a paradise to most, it has gotten too comfortable for people like me. I had taken the sunshine, food and lifestyle for granted, and it had made me lazy. That is the reason why I came to China. Most people still can’t wrap the idea around their heads- why leave paradise for an over-populated city laden with issues such as pollution and food-hygiene? Why China? What they don’t understand is that it is the land of opportunity, and that I have never felt so alive. When I say opportunity, I’m referring to what I have seen and embraced, the people I have met, and how much these experiences have made me a better and somewhat stronger person.

Ironically, I am now back in the same country I had fled from 21 years ago, and it is astounding how times have changed. Yet I am still reminded and still yearn for the rustic way of life I lived as a child in Shanghai. Living in Beijing and adapting to the Chinese way of life for a year and a half now, I have become torn between being an Australian and a Chinese. Since I look like a local Chinese, I often pass for a local, but often I find that my clothes and overall vibe gives away my western upbringing. Every time I talk to a local Chinese person, my ‘fraudulent’ Chinese gives away the fact that I wasn’t brought up here. And suddenly, they treat me differently- as if my western upbringing elevates me to a level above their own. I try very hard to integrate myself into Chinese society- I talk to them, try to understand their ways of thinking about life and their perceptions towards work, society and marriage- yet I doubt I will ever understand the depths and pressures of being a true Chinese local. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get close- and I will keep trying.