When I started learning Mandarin, one of our textbook’s first lessons discussed a common generalization shared by many of my Chinese friends: Westerners are direct, whereas Chinese hide true meanings beneath layers of etiquette. Our teachers jumped on the opportunity to share all sorts of ornate Chinese social conventions. We learned about the proper customs for giving gifts, making toasts, and entertaining guests. Cautionary tales of 闹笑话, or “making a fool of one’s self,” scared us into studying harder.
Our textbooks also emphasized 客套话, special spoken formalities, to evidence the indirectness of Chinese conversations. I have since learned dozens of such phrases, all of which serve to give face to the opposite party. The face-saving continues when discussing sensitive topics. Chinese people tend to prefer circling around a specific idea, the endless rhetorical circumnavigation assuring that both parties understand what neither side would broach head-on. A history professor of mine explained how when he ran into visa trouble leaving China, he asked the immigration officer if there were a “special visa extension” that he could apply for, one that might be “mutually beneficial” for both parties. Sounds rather pretty for a bribe, which the officer took in cash.
But despite such practices, I reject the notion that Westerners are more direct than Chinese. In China, people share all sorts of personal information, as the dense population makes for little privacy. I recently got to meet the extended family of a close friend who is American-born Chinese. After dinner, she quietly confided that her bowels were running a tad loose. Once her aunt interrogated her from the other side of the bathroom door, the entire family was talking rather frankly about the best course of action, continuing to pester my friend for updates throughout the rest of the evening (also: I can think of at least three Chinese words for “diarrhea,” as well as a cutesy phrase that means, “throwing up and vomiting simultaneously” 上吐下泻. So don’t get down on yourself if you have stomach problems in China – it’s all part of the cultural experience).
My Chinese friends take no issue discussing other topics most Americans find a bit touchy. Fluctuations in appearance, even for young women, are fair game for discussion: “You got fat! You lost weight! You got darker!” Whenever I run into a friend I haven’t seen in a while, I always get an unadulterated appraisal of how my body has changed. In Chinese schools, test scores are posted publicly, such that students know the most up-to-date class rankings. On Renren (China’s facebook), high school students planning to attend college in America voluntarily post their SAT and TOEFL scores, both in times of celebration and dismay.
Sorting out the comfort levels of conversations can get tricky. While the burdens of Chinese formalities sometimes feel cumbersome, I find it devilishly fun to speak frankly about topics that are off-limits in my native tongue.
开始学华语时，课本说明西方与东方的一个不同。我的中国朋友之内呢，很多也这样认为；洋人说话很直接，华人说话绕一大圈也没说到，因为华人必须用客套话莱隐藏意思。老师们就立刻趁火打劫，捉紧急会叫我们一大群华人的传统。这时间内我们学到了给礼物的方式，祝贺的礼貌，捧场与接客的方法。就恐怖的是那些被闹笑话的警示故事：大家听了都怕，就只能再接再厉。
课本重视客套话，使用它来解释华语之内的间接。到今天我已经学会好几套，通通是用来给对方面子好看。谈到敏感的话题是，客套话最重要。华人比较喜欢绕一圈来讨论话题，来保证双方不需要直接把不优雅的话说出来。我的一个历史博士解释给我他离开中国时有了签证问题，不能出国。无能为力时，他只好问了移民官有没有个他可以申请的一个特别签证延长允许，对双方有利。什么意思呢？收买他：听起来很漂亮，可是意思始终是现金。
可是虽然如此，我就是不肯接受西方人比华人较直接的这个挂念。在中国，大家都把个人资料当成公共知识，因为人数实在太多了。最近，我遇到了一个好朋友的家人。她是个在美国出生的华侨。吃晚饭过后，她静静的解释她最经经常拉肚子。她的姑姑靠着厕所门不停地审问她时，她的一整家很理所当然地不停地讨论该怎样治疗最好，整晚不停地从她要求新消息。我那晚学会了至少三种说明拉肚子的方式，最幽默的还是＂上吐下泻。＂所以说，如果在中国肚子疼的话，别太担心，别太伤心；这只是在中国社会自内的一个小儿科，有话好说。
我的中国朋友们聊天时选的话题会令美国人感觉尴尬的很。就算是女生的话，他们也不妨讨论他的形象改变。瘦了！胖了！晒黑了！都没关系。凡是遇到一个好久不见的朋友时，我得准备好得到一个有关我身体已怎么改变的纯正的批评。在中国，成绩都是公开宣布的，好让学生们随时知道谁可认第一。人人（中国的Facebook）上经常见到想要申请美国大学的高学生自愿宣布自己的SAT与TOEFL成绩。这是很自然的事，根本都不在乎是好或坏成绩。
聊天时想拼出最恰当的成熟程度可难。这必须用客套话的传统虽然复杂，但是我觉得有这个能够直接讨论一些在我第一语言不能说出的的自由也有它的幽默，它的魅力。