A well-known Chinese idiom that describes marriage says 门当户对. It means that a couple should come from families with comparable social and economic status for them to get married. This seemed to be one of the most important factors for choosing the significant other throughout China’s long history. In fact, my grandparents’ marriage was arranged by their families. They had never met each other before the actual wedding day, which was the norm back then.
I have recently met a Chinese guy who has been substantially influenced by this ideology.
I met him at an event organized by a Chinese group at Columbia University. He is a college professor. A few days later, he asked me out for coffee. During our conversation, he asked so much about my family: my parents’ employers and titles, some specific tasks they are in charge of and even their work attitudes. Then, he had so many questions about my personal life, like whether or not I was in a relationship in college and grad school and why things didn’t work out. He even said that he saw many guys talking with me at the party where we met. This conversation felt almost like an interrogation to me. Maybe he became more interested in me, but I totally lost my interest after this.
In the following two months, every time he asked me out, I always said “busy” and ignored a lot of his Facebook messages. I was trying to be polite and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And I hoped he could figure out the real message behind my words.
This past weekend, he asked me out again to “catch up.” I admired his persistence and said yes.
At dinner, he totally brought out his professor style and tried to educate me how important marriage is to everyone. He suggested that we have a walk after dinner, and we went to Columbia campus.
Suddenly, he asked me how I felt about him and if I would consider him my boyfriend. Again, being polite, I told him I don’t believe in love at first sight and I didn’t know him well.
“Then, we should start dating now,” he suggested. “We should live together soon so that we can get used to each other.”
I couldn’t believe what I just heard.
“We’ll be a great couple because we have comparable family backgrounds. And everything else will work out,” he went on.
I felt more shocked. How can this guy, having been in the U.S. for years, be so Chinese – and so traditional Chinese?
“I’m sorry, but I need to completely focus on my work right now. And I don’t have the time and energy for a relationship.” An excuse. Maybe I’m just really bad at rejecting people. But I felt so relieved after I said goodbye that night.
I never want to suggest that he’s not good for me. It’s just we have totally different values in regards to dating and marriage.中国有一个众所周知的描述婚姻的成语是门当户对。就是说男女双方家庭背景、经济社会层次要相符，他们才般配。在中国千百年历史中，这似乎是择偶过程中的最重要因素之一。事实上，我爷爷奶奶的婚姻就是双方家里安排的。成亲以前，他们从没见过面。这就是以前的习俗。
我最近认识了一个深受这种思想影响的中国男士。
我跟他是在哥伦比亚大学中国学生会的一个活动上认识的。他是一个大学教授。几天之后，他邀请我出去一起喝杯咖啡。我们的谈话中，他问了许多关于我家庭背景的问题：我爸妈在哪里上班，职位是什么，具体做些什么工作，甚至他们的工作态度怎样。然后，他对我的私生活过于关注，问我上大学和研究生的时候有没有谈恋爱，后来为什么没在一起。他还说那天在我们认识的派对上，他看到很多男生跟我聊天。这次聊天让我感觉就像一次审讯。也许之后他对我更感兴趣了，可我对他完全失去了兴趣。
在接下来的两个月里，每一次他约我出去，我都说我“很忙”，并对他发给我的很多Facebook信息视而不见。我想要礼貌对人，不想伤害他。也希望他能领会我语言行为里隐含的意思。
上周末，他约我出去“叙旧”。我很佩服他的坚持，于是答应了。
吃晚餐的时候，他摆出他当教授的架子，教育我说婚姻对每个人来说是多么多么重要。吃完晚餐，他建议我们出去散步，然后我们走到了哥大校园。
突然，他问我，我对他感觉如何，会不会考虑让他做我男朋友。又一次，我想保持礼貌，我告诉他说我不相信一见钟情，而且我也不太了解他。
“那么我们现在就应该开始谈恋爱啊。”他建议道。“我们应该住在一起，这样我们很快就能彼此适应。”
我实在不敢相信我刚刚听到了这样的话。
“我们会很般配的，因为我们家庭背景都差不多，所以其他一切都不是问题。”他继续说道。
我更震惊了。为什么这位男士，在美国呆了这些年，还是这么中国化，还是很传统的中国化？
“对不起，我现在需要完全专注于工作，我没有时间和精力去谈恋爱。”这是个借口。也许我就是不好意思直接拒绝别人，但那晚说了再见之后，我感到了一种解脱。
我并不是想说他不够好，配不上我。只是在恋爱和婚姻上，我们有着截然不同的观念。