Last summer in Hong Kong, I witnessed a face-off between my nephew Tin and his dad, Dave. Dave is my older brother – a traditional, conservative Chinese businessman. Tin is a 20-something recent graduate from college in England.
We were all chatting over a casual lunch of sushi and ramen when suddenly Dave remembered an urgent task, and hollered at his son Tin:
“Hey, Tin! Hurry, before I forget. You need to call Dr. Lee now! Or email him in Chinese right away. He’s a busy man, make sure he remembers his appointment with you next Monday.”
Tin kept eating, completely ignoring Dave.
My brother tried again: “Tin, didn’t you hear me? What did I tell you to do?”
“Why don’t YOU call? Why don’t you email him yourself on your Blackberry?” Tin retorted.
Dave looked annoyed. “I tell you to do it, and you tell me to do it? I can’t, I don’t know how to do it in Chinese on my Blackberry. Dr. Lee doesn’t read English.”
“I will do it, later.” Tin responded nonchalantly, as he continued to inhale his sushi.
“Why don’t you listen to me? Why don’t you obey me? What’s so hard?” Dave kept up his commands.
Tin stared at his dad in a classic adolescent, rebellious manner, put down his rice bowl and chopsticks and stated plainly: “I will do what I want to do when I want to do it, NOT what you want when you want it. I have my reasons for not contacting Dr. Lee now.”
I was stunned. I have never seen Tin talking back at his father that way.
Tin has always been obedient to his dad, especially when we’re all around as a family. All of us, including his mother and younger brother, were listening and somewhat shocked.
Dave had expected his son to do what Dave wanted since he thought it was the right thing at the right time. Tin, on the other hand, disagreed and reacted in defiance. Tin follows his own sense of reason and timing. That’s what he expects of himself as an independent-minded individual.
Days later, I told this “face-off” story to a close family friend Tim (a Hong Kong born,
Chinese-American man who’s lived in Chicago for 20 years). Tim was shocked too.“Wow – your brother must feel he’s lost face!” Tim started cracking up with his belly-laugh. He and my brother grew up together. Tim continued, “His beloved son blew him off in front of his whole family at lunch!” Tim kept on laughing.
I never thought about it as a “face” matter until Tim put it that way. But he may be right. What do you think?
去年夏天在香港，我亲眼看到我的侄儿和他的爸爸面对面地争吵。DAVE是我的大哥，一位很传统、保守的中国商人。TIN二十多岁，刚从一个新英国区的大学毕业。
有一天我们边吃着寿司和面条边聊天儿。突然，DAVE想到一件很重要的事情。他很大声地对TIN喊：“嘿TIN！快点，在我忘记之前，快给李医生打电话！或者用中文给他发邮件。他很忙，你提醒他一下，你跟他约的下个星期一的体检。”
TIN就像没听到DAVE讲话似的，接着吃饭。
我的哥哥又试着说了一遍：“TIN，你没有听到我的话吗？我叫你做什么？”
TIN生气地回了一句：“为什么你不给他电话？你也可以在你自己的手机上给他发邮件啊。”
DAVE看上去很烦的样子说：“我告诉你做的事，你还反过来让我做？我不行，我不知道怎么在手机上写中文。李医生又不会读英文。”
“我一会儿做。”TIN很不在乎地回了一声，然后继续大口大口地吃他的寿司。
“你为什么从来都不听我的话？你为什么不听从我？有那么难吗？”DAVE继续问。
TIN瞪着他爸爸，一副很常见的叛逆未成年人的表情，把他的饭碗和筷子放在桌子上，平平常常地说：“我什么时候想做，我就会做。不是你想让我什么时候做，我就会做。我现在不联系李医生是有我的原因的。”
我傻了。我从来都没有听过TIN这样跟他爸爸顶嘴。TIN以前都是很听他爸爸的话的，尤其是一家人在一块儿的时候。所有听着的人，包括他的妈妈和弟弟，都有一点吃惊。
DAVE原以为他的儿子会听他的话，而且他认为那时候做这件事是最正确的。可是TIN觉得他爸爸并不对，所以就不听。TIN是会根据自己的时间和想法来做事情的。这是他对自己，作为一个很独立的人的要求。
几天后我把这个父子争吵的故事讲给我的一个好朋友听，TIM（一位在香港出生的华裔，已经在芝加哥住了二十多年）。TIM听到了也很惊讶。“哇，你的哥哥肯定觉得非常丢脸，非常没面子！”TIM开始哈哈大笑起来。他跟我哥哥从小一起长大。TIM继续说：“他的宝贝儿子在全家面前反抗爸爸！”
TIM笑个不停。
在TIM提出这个观点之前，我从来都没有想过这可能是一个脸面的问题，可是也许他是对的。你觉得呢？