Sitting in the waiting room at Amtrak Station in New York, I was surrounded by a lot of teenage passengers. They were giggling and laughing. I was sure they were excited about their upcoming vacation in Boston. It’s summer holiday. Although I was alone and wearing a business dress with my laptop on hand, I felt like I was one of them – super excited about my first Amtrak experience and my first business trip to Boston as well.
I held my breath whenever I saw the scenic view from the window and snapshot it along the way. It was a sunny day; the puffy clouds were hanging in the crystal blue sky. When we reached Mystic – a seaside town by the Pequotsepos river, the rail was in middle of the river. I could see small yachts through both sides of the windows. I felt that the train was literally floating on water. How amazing!
The fresh and adventurous feeling came to me time again during the past two years after I moved to New York from Hong Kong. It made me feel young. What’s the difference between being young and feeling young?
When I was at my 20s, I never said that I was feeling young. Because everything was so new and fresh that I didn’t have any experience to compare to. Six years after graduation from college, passing the initial stage of struggles and frustrations as an adult, I knew how things work, and I was pretty confident and comfortable about my role – in my company, in my family, and in my surrounding society. Things slowed down a bit and became a little easier.
If my life was a cassette player, moving to New York is like pressing the reverse button. It throws me back to my 20s. I often feel like a fresh graduate, who stares at a whole new world with eyes wide open. I am so curious and crazily interested about everything. It also comes with anxiety, just like the worries that I felt during my adolescence and early 20s – the conscious incompetence. I felt pressed the first time I lined up for a chopped salad, realizing that I didn’t know the English words for artichoke and cauliflower. I could only point at them and said “can I have that and that? No, that!” It stressed me out the first time I tried to set up a conference call with my colleagues of different time zones of this country. I felt embarrassed when my clients were laughingly discussing their favorite comedy movies, which I knew absolutely nothing about, and tried not to look uncool. If the word “vulnerable” is used to describe young people, I was definitely one of them. I constantly asked myself, how could you not know this? You are not in your early 20s anymore!? I would beat myself up as if I’d used up all the allowance of my life to make any mistakes.
With mixed feelings, I passed the first two years of living in New York. I was promoted once, made two close friends, joined three meetup groups for scavenger hunting and art shows, read 30 something books, got one professional certificate and hit the road frequently for vacations and business, Gradually, I have started to approach life with different angles. I would ask my clients for classic movies recommendations without feeling nervous, and surprisingly, they would be eager to come up with a full list for me. I coordinate calls not only for my US colleagues but also my international counterparts and much more than that. I ask questions whenever I feel uncertain without shyness. By the way, I now eat many salads with different dressings that I can identify.
I guess I regain my confidence though many little things, or I change the expectation of myself – it is ok to feel vulnerable and incompetent, as long as I am making progress every day to learn and to improve. After all, no one is supposed to know everything all the time. I have decided to accept who I am in this new land, and have faith in myself.
Comparing to my 20s, this time, I believe the strength that I have built will never leave me. It reminds me of a beautiful quote “There is a “new” me emerging. I am still gentle, kind, loving and caring, but the new me is not afraid to set boundaries and speak up for herself when people break them.”
I am feeling young and vibrant. I believe that this feeling will get me through many difficulties and setbacks in life, no matter where I am and how old I am.