This is my first blog after my first marriage this Fall.
Let truth be told – I never thought I was marriage material before I met my husband. I had been cautiously picky, fiercely independent, and perpetually curious about what’s next in life. I had previously structured my life around my career as a network news producer – always chasing the next great story, seeking a new and different challenge, putting work first before friends, family and community. Admittedly, I was mentally married to my work, living like a network nun! The more time I devoted to work, the less I had to develop a meaningful lifelong partnership.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being in an exclusive and committed relationship, but I feared the trappings of marriage. I feared losing independent thoughts and ideals. I feared losing the freedom to pursue new career interests, to find new ways to express myself, to discover fun things to do with my time.
My mind was also trapped by a conservative leaning towards an ancient Chinese concept of marriage that mandates a dutiful wife not only to her husband at home, but also to his business and social circles. I wondered if I could ever live up to these expectations?
What I also feared about marriage was the prospect of divorce due to infidelity, or irreconcilable differences as couples do naturally grow apart over time and distance, and fall out of love. Divorce is not forbidden but frowned upon in Chinese culture and society. My parents, my parents’ parents and their grandparents stayed together until death set them apart.
Ultimately my fears were about choices, about losing my freedom to choose.
Although I grew up in Hong Kong – a culturally conservative and conformist society, I had long admired the western concept of freedom and independence. Thanks to American television and movies, I began to develop a mind of my own during my teenage years. My family had no interest in traveling or living abroad then, but I wanted to see and experience a new world, learn new ideas and cut a different path. At every stage of my life, I want to challenge myself to something I haven’t tried before, I am reluctant to repeat myself. I subscribe to the American ideals of fulfilling one’s full potential through hard work, team work, self-discovery, lifelong learning, and giving back to society.
Magically, all my fears about marriage began to fade over time.
Since last spring when I met the man who would later become my husband, I have been touched by a kind of love that is refreshingly liberating and nurturing. As someone who’d been through the midlife phase of soul-searching and career change, he understands first hand the importance of opening one’s mind to uncharted territories. He’s urged me to be bold, to take risks, to re-configure my life, to re-launch my career. In essence, he made me realize that in our marriage, I can be free. His generous love expands my vision of marriage, engendering a brand new attitude about the endless possibilities on the horizon. There are no hard rules of dos and don’ts in a marriage, true love fosters freedom.
In a few weeks, my husband will meet the man who first gave me a taste of freedom – my father. We’ll be visiting my dad who couldn’t come to America for our wedding for health reasons.
My dad has never gone to college, has never visited America, yet he trusted me enough to let me choose my dream, my destination – no matter how far that takes me away from my roots. Now, it’s taking me back to him. Call it freedom, call it love.