“Why are you bored?” I ask.
“I have nothing to do.” Selina replies.
“Why don’t you have anything to do? Have you finished your homework? Aren’t you in after school programs?”
My “to do, can do, should do” list can go on and on, but usually goes nowhere.
So on this day while Selina was visiting New York for the summer – away from her home in Virginia – I decided to talk to her about her “boredom” issue. It would be a delicate topic that’s best broached after seeing her beloved animated movie “The Ice Age” at her favorite spot in New York City – Times Square.
While sipping apple spice tea and nibbling carrot cakes at Europa Café, I began my probe.
“So, Selina – what are your hobbies these days? What do you enjoy doing?”
“Umm….nothing” Selina mumbled while picking on the ultra-sweet icing on the cake.
“That’s not true, Selina. Remember reading, swimming, playing the drum, taking photographs…all these activities you told me you love?
“yeah…well…ummm..” Selina’s reticence worried me.
“Do you not like drums anymore? How about swimming? Do you look forward to school? After-school programs? What kind of friends do you hang out with? What sort of things do you do for fun?”
My laundry list of questions was too much; it was met with even longer silence.
I thought I needed to change tactics. I thought it may be time for another little pep talk – keeping in mind my role as her god-mother.
Selina lost her mother to breast cancer at age 6, and she was raised by her maternal grandmother in New York Chinatown until age 12 while her father toiled long hours every day in Chinese restaurants in Virginia. Grandma once told me I was the only one she knows and holds the highest respect for since after we had spent one year together as “Big” and “Little.” I was Selina’s big sister through the “Big Brother Big Sister” Program in New York for new Chinese immigrants.
I took grandma’s remark as a big honor, and a huge responsibility.
“Do you feel loved, Selina?” I asked gently as she forked up the crumbs on the plate.
My unexpected question took her by surprise; she raised her eyebrows while softening, sweetening her tone.. “Yeah…”
“Well, good. I thought maybe you’re upset with me for some reasons.”
“No…” Selina looked me in the eye with a warm assurance.
“Selina, you know when I was at your age, I joined a girls’ band, and I…”
Selina immediately cut in – “it’s too late – you need to join at 5th grade. And I now have friends who don’t like each other, so I hang out with different friends all the time. “
Selina moved onto a host of other reasons why “it’s too late” to join in any group activities or make friends in a new school district since moving back to Virginia last year.
Moving around is never easy for anyone, let alone for a 6 year-old.
Selina’s defensive response revealed to me a bigger underlying issue – one that is ultimately about happiness. It’s about creating one’s own happiness despite tough life circumstances, and sustaining a self-entertaining and self-nurturing environment that no one can take away from you.
I had learned to create a self-entertaining zone when I was a little child. My father told me while mommy and nanny were busy doing chores, I was often left alone in the crib. But I would be fully enjoying playing with papers by myself, ripping them into a million pieces, and cracking myself up!
He’d told that story often not only to me, but also in front of family friends who had wondered why I was the only child in the family to have become so independent, to have left Hong Kong for America, and to have charted a very different path for myself.
Perhaps, happiness is ultimately about non-attachment, but still connecting with everyone and fully engaging the present moment.
Like Selina, I too had lost my mother to sudden death (heart attack) when I was younger. That was a traumatic loss. Many other sudden and traumatic losses in my life had also helped to strengthen my ability to self-entertain, and reinforced my practice of non-attachment. I’ve learned to dive back into a self-entertaining self-nurturing world that my mother had helped me discover within myself – the world of music, the world of piano. To this day, I found the utmost joy and happiness through playing the piano.
“The piano will grow old with you and be your life-long companion,” my mother once told me while I was practicing the piano with my face almost kissing the keyboard.
Perhaps that’s why I was never bored.
Perhaps it’s my turn now to help Selina discover a passion that would also become her life-long companion– regardless of what curve balls life may throw at her.
我13岁的教女萨丽娜经常给我打电话，然后发脾气说：“我很无聊。”
“你为什么觉得无聊？”我问道。“我没有任何事情可做。”萨丽娜回答。
“你为什么没事情可做呢？你功课完成了吗？你没有参加课后辅导班吗？”
我的要做、可以做、应该做的单子可以无限扩展，但是经常不奏效。
所以这一天当萨丽娜离开她在维吉尼亚的家，来纽约过夏天，我决定和她聊聊她的无聊感这一问题。这是一个敏感话题，带她在她最爱的纽约一角时代广场看完她喜爱的动画片《冰河世纪》以后，就有了最好的打开话题的机会。
当我在Europa咖啡馆喝着苹果茶，吃着胡萝卜点心的时候，我开始了我的询问。
“所以，萨丽娜，你最近有什么爱好？平时喜欢做什么？”
“嗯，什么都没有。”萨丽娜嘟囔着说道，舔着蛋糕上非常甜的糖衣。
“这不对啊，萨丽娜。我记得阅读、游泳、打鼓、摄影，这些都是你的爱好，你以前告诉过我的。”
“对啊……嗯……”萨丽娜的欲言又止让我担忧。
“你还喜不喜欢打鼓？另外游泳呢？你期待开学吗？校外课程呢？你跟什么样的人交朋友？你有哪些娱乐休闲活动？”
我这一长串问题的确太多了。随后是更长的一段寂静。我想我需要改变问话方式。作为她的教母，我想，是时候跟她聊一些轻松的准备话题了。
萨丽娜6岁的时候，她的妈妈因为乳腺癌而去世。当她爸爸每天忙于管理他在维吉尼亚的饭店的时候，萨丽娜跟在纽约中国城的外婆一起生活，直到12岁。外婆跟我说，在我跟萨丽娜作为“大”和“小”一起度过一年的时光以后，我成为她惟一认识的并非常尊重的人。通过纽约市为新的中国移民安排的“大哥哥大姐姐”项目，我成为了萨丽娜的大姐姐。
我把外婆的话当成一项很大的荣誉，同时我也感到身上的责任。
“萨丽娜，你感觉到被爱吗？”在她用叉子挑起蛋糕碎屑时，我轻声问道。
我这个很突然的问题让她感到惊讶。她扬起眉毛，同时用很轻很甜的声音说了声：“是啊。”
“很好。我还以为你因为什么原因生我的气了。”
“没有啊。”萨丽娜看着我，用眼神给予肯定。
“萨丽娜，你知道吗，当我像你这个年龄的时候，我加入了女子乐队，然后我……”
萨丽娜立即打断我：“太晚了，你需要5年级的时候加入。现在我有一些互不喜欢的朋友，所以我一直跟不同的朋友相处。”
萨丽娜继续对我诉说其他各种理由，解释为什么现在加入社团已经太晚了，为什么去年搬回到维吉尼亚以后很难在新学校交到朋友。
搬家对所有人来说都不容易，更别说是一个6岁的孩子。
萨丽娜自我保护的回答向我揭示了一个更大的隐含的问题，一个关于幸福的问题。这关于一个人如何克服生命中的种种难题，找到幸福，并维持一个自我娱乐、自我教育的环境，没人能够从你身上夺走。
从很小的时候，我就学会了如何去创造一个自我娱乐的环境。爸爸告诉我，当妈妈和保姆忙于家务的时候，我经常被一个人留在婴儿床上。但我会很享受地玩纸，把它们撕成千万个碎片，把我自己弄得精疲力尽。
他不止对我一个人讲了这个故事，还告诉了我们的很多朋友，他们想知道为什么我是家里惟一的一个如此独立的孩子，离开香港去了美国，为自己的人生规划了一个不同的路线。
也许，幸福就是要不依赖任何人，同时要与身边所有人建立联系，享受现在的每时每刻。
像萨丽娜一样，我也是在年轻一些的时候，母亲由于心脏病而去世。这是很痛苦的失去。在我生命中，很多其他的突然又痛苦的失去强化了我自娱自乐的能力，肯定了我不依赖他人的行为。我学会了如何回到一个自我娱乐、自我教育的环境，这是一开始妈妈帮助我在我的性格中发现的：音乐的世界，钢琴的世界。到今天为止，我从钢琴演奏中找到了最美好的乐趣和幸福。
“钢琴可以和你一起长大，成为你的终身伴侣。”一次在我弹钢琴，脸差点亲吻琴键时，妈妈对我说。
也许这就是为什么我从来不会感到无聊。