(Editor’s Note: Hannah Bae is a New York-based writer/editor/illustrator. She was interviewed by Mable Chan on One in a Billion podcast to discuss issues addressed in this essay – “Less Than Perfect: What I left off of My College Admissions Applications” – mental health, obsession with perfection, face, shame, and guilt. The podcast interview will be released on Dec 3th, 2019. Below is an excerpt from a chapter she has contributed to the book Don’t Call me Crazy.
Less Than Perfect
What I Left off of My College Admissions Applications
It had been dark for hours by the time I turned onto my street. I was coming home from an after-school activity—crew practice, or Model United Nations, or student government. My shoulders sagged as I thought about the piles of homework waiting for me. As I pulled into the driveway, my headlights flashed across the house and my heart lurched. It took a few seconds to register what I’d seen in the glare: a face, ghostly and wild-eyed, standing sentry inside the front door. I had put the car in park when she burst out the door, all flailing arms and rage.
“I see you!” she screamed in Korean, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. By now, they’d already written us off as “that crazy Asian family.”
“You whore! Stay away from my husband!”
She was only inches from my face when Mom realized it was me.
“God, you can’t even recognize your own daughter?” I said bitterly in English, without betraying the pounding in my chest. I headed straight to my room without looking back at her.
Some version of this started happening about once a month during high school. Mom, paranoid that Dad was having an affair, was convinced that “she”—another woman—snuck into our house at night.
This essay can be read in its entirety on bitchmedia.org
To view more blogs by Hannah Bae, please click here.