I’ve lived in America for more than 20 years now and I still have trouble answering questions like “Are you a good cook?” “Are you a good tennis player?” “Are you a good pianist?” etc etc, etc.
Every time someone asks me if I’m good at something, I still have this sort of culturally ingrained aversion to acknowledging that I’m “good.”
Why? Well…I was raised in a modern Hong Kong with traditional Chinese values. Chinese culture values many virtues – one of them – especially for women – is modesty. We shouldn’t brag about ourselves.
So every time I hear those kinds of questions “Are you good at this or that? I would answer in natural reflex something like – “I won’t say I’m good, I just love it!”
But that’s my personal self. Once I’m in a workplace, my approach is completely different – it’s totally American. I’d answer a direct question with a direct answer. I’d speak up, I’d cut in, I’d assert myself whenever the time is right. The American culture encourages and expects individual expression of confidence and competence, and I compete and work with some of the most driven and talented professionals in one of the toughest industries in one of the toughest cities on earth – TV media in New York. Especially in New York, a city that rewards assertiveness and an “attitude,” I decided long ago – that the classic Chinese value or virtue of modesty is not the best policy.
A recent case in point – this one is not about me, but about another Chinese woman named Xian from Harbin, China. She’s my new intern who just graduated from the Graduate School of Journalism at Columbia University in New York. She’d previously attended Boston College and Purdue University. She confided in me many difficult challenges she faced with the American style of self-assertiveness, and especially in New York.
“Yes, New York is tough. Everyone is really aggressive in projecting themselves.” Xian sighed.
Xian recalled an incident at the J-school at Columbia, where her story pitch was stolen by another student in class. That American student had the guts to publicly sell Xian’s idea in the classroom and immediately won the professor’s approval to assign her as the chief reporter on it. Xian was shocked, but said she didn’t want to speak up at that time, decided to wait till after class to speak to the professor – “the authority.” Unfortunately, the professor told her it’s too late, saying “Why didn’t you speak up right then and there, Xian?” Xian was stumped and speechless.
When I heard that story, I said to Xian – “Xian, I get you.”
Xian replied in English “Right? Mable – you get this. I didn’t want to call attention to myself, to make that student “look bad.” And she also blurted out in Chinese (人怕出名，猪怕壮) – which means “People are afraid of becoming famous, Pigs are afraid of becoming fat.”
We both burst out laughing. We understand the meaning of this idiom which is embedded in the Chinese cultural psyche, and that comes out in our individual expression.
Do you get it?
我在美国已生活了20多年，但在回答类似于“你厨艺好不好？”“你网球打得好不好？”“你钢琴弹得好不好？”等问题时仍然有困难。
每当有人问我是否对某事在行，我还是对承认自己在行这件事上有一种由文化而产生的不安。
为什么？我是在富有中国传统价值观的现代化香港长大的。中华文化重视诸多美德，其中一个对女性尤其重要的美德即是谦逊。我们不应该夸自己。
也因此每当我听到“你是否对某事在行？”等问题我会自然而然反射性地回答：“我不能说自己在行，我只是很热爱！”
但那只是私下的我。一旦我在工作场所，我的做法完全不同，完全美国化。我会以明了的答案直接回答问题。我敢于大声地说、我会打断别人、我会在必要的时候坚持自己的立场。美国文化鼓励并希望个人表现自己的自信与能力，而我在地球上最艰难的城市之一从事最艰难的行业之一：纽约的电视新闻行业，与很多最努力和优秀的专业人士竞争与工作。尤其是在鼓励个人主张、观点的纽约，我很早就决定，谦逊这一经典的中华文化价值观或美德并非良策。
就以一个最近发生的事情为例。这事并非关于我自己，而是关于一个来自中国哈尔滨，名为宪的女生。宪刚毕业于纽约哥伦比亚大学新闻研究院，是我的新实习生。她之前在波士顿学院和普渡大学就学。她向我讲述了她在纽约屡次经历的美国式自我主张与自信的艰难挑战。
宪叹气道：“是的，纽约这城市很艰难，人人都抢着表现自己” 。
宪回忆了在哥大新闻系上课时，自己的新闻素材被另一同学盗用的经历。那名美国同学竟然公开地在课上以自己的名义发表宪的主意，并立刻获得教授的认可，指定那位同学报道这则新闻。宪非常惊讶，但是她并不想在那个时间和场合提出异议，她选择等到下课后再与教授交谈，即所谓的“权威”。
可惜那位教授告诉宪已经太迟了，并说道：“那你当时为什么没有立刻说出来？”宪一时愣住了，哑口无言。
听了宪的故事，我对她说：“宪，我了解你的意思”。
宪用英语回答到：“对吧？Mable，你是明白的。我自己并不要引起注意，令那位同学感到‘难堪’”。她脱口而出：“人怕出名，猪怕壮！”
我们两放声大笑。我们都明白这包含中华文化精神，并出自我们个人表达方式的俗语背后的含义。
你了解吗？