With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I thought I’d take a moment to tell the story of my engagement, along with the hilarities and challenges that come with cross-racial, transcontinental marriages.
Luke and I met almost two years ago in the most DC way possible – at a conference. It took a few more months before we actually went on a date. But it took only one date, on the sundeck of DC’s Senart’s, on a late-summer afternoon right after a rare DC earthquake, for us to realize that this was the real thing: love.
A year later, as I got ready to depart for China for a yearlong research fellowship, we vowed to make it work. And we did. We talked everyday, we made plans for cross-continental visits, we worried together over each other’s daily challenges, we celebrate each other’s daily achievements together, and we both complained about the bad Internet connection, slow VPNs, 13-hour time difference, and the 7,000 miles that separated us. And when Luke came to visit over Thanksgiving, we were engaged.
At first I was a little worried that my Very Far Engagement was about to turn into My Big Fat Chinese Engagement. Recalling a phone conversation I had with my 爷爷 (grandpa who lives in Beijing) a few months ago, I was worried about what my Chinese family would think about my not Chinese fiancé.
ME: 爷爷，我有一个男朋友，他可能过几个月来北京看我，
爷爷：你的男朋友，他是中国人吗？
ME：不是，他是美国人。
爷爷：哦，那他父母是中国人吗？
ME：不是爷爷，他们也是美国人。
爷爷：(pause)。。。他的父母的爸爸妈妈是中国人吗？
ME: Grandpa, I have a boyfriend and he may come visit me in Beijing in a few months. I want to bring him home to meet you all.
Grandpa: Your boyfriend, is he Chinese?
ME: No, he’s American.
Grandpa: Oh, are his parents Chinese then?
ME: No grandpa, his parents are Americans too.
Grandpa: (pause)… Are his parents’ parents Chinese?
However, I need not have worried about my family. When Luke finally did come visit, at first my family was shy. After all, he could barely speak Chinese and they can barely speak English. My 奶奶 (grandma) had gone out of her way to make a feast of slow-stewed beef in beer and soy sauce, delicate Chinese-style deviled eggs, and her famous Shandong-style 红烧鱼 (red-roast/ fried fish). My 爷爷 set-out his best bottle of 白酒 (wine) and my uncles and aunts nervously practiced their English, asking Luke various questions in half-Chinese, checking their phone dictionaries for keyword translations. As we got to eating, however, everyone loosened up and before I knew it my uncles were 干杯-ing 白酒 with Luke like it was water. And 爷爷 was excitedly explaining the calligraphy he painted as a present for Luke’s parents, waving his arms in awkward mimes of “sun” and “flower.”
A week later Luke and I met-up with my family again for dinner at a hot pot restaurant and we surprised them with the news that we had just gotten engaged. Instantly, my 爷爷’s face broke into the biggest grin I have ever seen and it stayed there for the rest of the night. My uncles and aunts immediately pulled out their camera phones to take pictures of this momentous occasion. My 奶奶 sat quietly with small tears of joy beading at the corners of her eyes.
The restaurant staff got wind and before I knew it we were forced us to dance Gangnam Style after we lost the traditional drinking game and the restaurant managers were stuffing oranges into our mouths as they serenaded us with traditional Chinese wedding songs. My family prepared last minute red packets of cash that Luke and I kowtowed for and my little cousins went nuts over the excitement. It was, all in all, the perfect impromptu engagement party.
After Luke had left, my 爷爷 pulled me aside one day and said simply, “我很喜欢这个小申, 他会做一个好男人.” (“I like this Xiao Shen (they had given Luke a Chinese nickname), he will be good man.”)
I smiled at my 爷爷 and replied back, “我知道.” (“I know.”)
随着情人节的即将来临，我想是个时候来说说我的那段跨种族，跨大洲的充满喜悦和挑战的订婚过程。
卢克和我两年前以华盛顿情侣们最常见的相遇方式遇见了—–在一个会议上。认识之后的几个月我们才开始正式约会。但是只是一场约会，在华盛顿Senart酒店的日光浴平台上，在一个夏季未央，华盛顿罕见的地震后的下午，我们意识到了一件很真切的事情：我们相爱了。
一年之后，当我结束了中国长达一年的研究经历回国之时，我发誓我们会在一起的，并且我们做到了。我们每天通话，我们一起做着跨越大洲的准备，我们一起担心可能会遇到的问题，我们一起庆祝每一阵子实现的事情，当然我们也一起抱怨那不好的网络连接，缓慢的代理服务器，13小时的时差，以及我们之间相隔的7000英里。当卢克在感恩节来找我的时候，我们终于订了婚。
一开始我还很担心我这段长距离的订婚，这段跨国的婚姻。回想起我几个月前和我在北京的爷爷打的一段电话，我很担心我的中国家人对我这位异国未婚夫的看法:
我：爷爷，我有一个男朋友，他可能过几个月来北京看我，我要把他带回家见你们。
爷爷：你的男朋友，他是中国人吗？
我：不是，他是美国人。
爷爷：哦，那他父母是中国人吗？
我：不是爷爷，他们也是美国人。
爷爷：（停顿）他的父母的爸爸妈妈是中国人吗？
但是呢，我对我的家人的担心似乎是多余的。当卢克最后来拜访的时候，我家人显得还挺害羞的。毕竟，卢克几乎不会中文，我家人几乎不会英文。我的奶奶准备了一席盛宴，包括了慢炖啤酒酱牛肉，精致中式炒蛋，以及她最拿手的山东红烧鱼。我的爷爷也拿出了他最好的白酒，我的叔叔阿姨很紧张的准备英语，用半中文半英文问了卢克一些问题，边问边用手机的汉英字典查着单词。吃饭的时候，我才发现大家渐渐的放松了下来，我看到我的叔叔像喝水一样的和卢克喝着白酒，爷爷兴奋地向卢克解释着他要送给他父母的一份书画作品作为礼物。爷爷兴奋地描述他的作品，用手比划着“太阳”和“花”的造型。
一周后卢克和我又一次拜访了我家人，一起吃火锅。我们刚刚订婚的消息让每个人都非常的惊讶。我的爷爷当场就乐得合不拢嘴并且乐了一晚上，我的叔叔和阿姨立即拿出了他们的照相机来记录这美好的一刻。我的奶奶静静的坐着，眼角流出细细的，喜悦的泪花。
餐馆的员工们听闻消息，在我输了一场中式喝酒游戏，反应过来之前，就强烈要求我们来一段江南style舞蹈。餐厅的经理在我们演唱中国传统的婚礼歌曲的时候在我们俩的嘴里还塞了桔子。我的家人准备了我和卢克拜天地后的红包，我的小外甥也兴奋的不行。一切的一切都说明了这是一场完美的婚礼。
卢克走后的某一天，我的爷爷把我拉到一边和我说：“我很喜欢这个小申，他会做一个好男人。”
我和我的爷爷笑了笑，答道：“我知道。”