Do you have a passion in life? I don’t mean the kind of passion that drives your calling and determines your career, I mean a passion that is an intense interest.
Well – piano is my intense interest.
Why do I use the word “intense?”
Well, it’s intense because of my choice. Two years ago, I chose to learn a very intense piece of piano music – namely – Beethoven Sonata No. 21 Opus 53 “Waldstein.” I was also subconsciously stubbornly following a piece of advice my maternal grandmother once gave me – “Nothing is difficult in the world – to those with a determined heart.” (世上无难事，只怕有心人)
Since the spring of 2010, I’d been working on “Waldsein” – a notoriously massive and technically challenging composition. But I love this piece of work so much that I was willing to slave to its bitter end.
From day one, I’d learned the notes with separate hands, then the tempo, the phrasing, the dynamics, the rhythm and so on. Every day, I’d practiced this piece for about an hour, sometimes more – while I also worked on other pieces. Slowly but surely, I was beginning to master the details of each movement, and the layers of inner voices, contrasting themes, conflicting emotions – all under the careful guidance of my piano teacher Lisa Kovalik (Juillliard School – Evening Division.). After the first year, I began to memorize this gigantic work of 33 pages.
Earlier this year, I began to play the piece from memory. I was quietly ecstatic, thinking I’m close to playing this piece in front of friends and family.
Then, at about the same time, I’d also decided to launch China Personified (CP) – my new media venture. Suddenly, I felt like I was torned between two lovers.
Yet, I continued to practice every morning, and asked my team of staff to start the work day in mid-morning right after my piano is over.
But the truth is – practicing this highly difficult piece at the same time of getting my start-up off the ground – has been extremely hard. In fact, it was at times painful – physically and emotionally. I’ve discovered that most of my physical and emotional reserves have gone into the making of China Personified, and that takes a toll on my mental focus and stamina for “Waldstein.” Over the past few months, my daily practice has been dwindling from one hour to 45 minutes, 30 minutes, and my memory was beginning to fail at page 7, my fingering uneven at page 17, and my tempo completely off on page 1! However, as stubborn as an ox, I plowed on.
The rude awakening finally came this past weekend when I had a private lesson with Ms. Kovalik – chiding at me for all my flaws. Well – she meant well.
“The last time I heard you, (before China Personified was launched), you were doing very well. This time, it’s less.” Ms. Kovaik sounded frustrated and impatient.
“I knew you could do very well with this piece, and I wanted to push you to stick to the standard expected for this piece, and move to the next level. You can do this , yet….”
As she continued to chide me for all my technical and musical vagaries, I finally burst out “OK!”
She was stunned. I had never talked back to her – until now.
I realized that my performance was not only not up to her expectations, but also I realized that everything she had criticized me about was everything I had heard before. What does that mean? I’d hit the ceiling. I needed to walk away from “Waldstein”– which I had painstakingly been carving time to practice every day for the past two years. It’s beginning to pain me as much as Ms. Kovalik that I’m not progressing to the next level.
After that emotional outburst, I thought about “Waldstein” and my passion for the piano. I realize that my stubborn adherence to overcoming all the difficulties “Nothing is difficult in this world to those with a determined heart.” (“世上无难事,只怕有心人.”) － is perhaps not a smart move under the circumstances.
My western mindset about what ultimately makes me happy suddenly took over. I realized that I should strategically prioritize my competing passions and interests, and I should better manage my own expectations – as well as the expectations of others of me – about how I ought to perform.
At the end of the day, what makes me happiest as a whole person, is to know that I have done my best in key areas that are important to me – including my loved ones, society and community.
Piano is my passion, but my love for the piano is beyond “Waldstein.”
I’m starting Bach and Chopin preludes in the Fall when I return to Juilliard School Evening Division, and I hope to play for my friends, and my family next!
可曾想过你的生活中有激情吗？我不是指能够驱动鞭策你事业心的豪情壮志，而是那种出于兴趣的强烈热爱。比如钢琴就是我生活中强烈的挚爱。我为什么要用强烈的这个字眼儿呢？因为钢琴是我的兴趣所在，所以这种热爱就成为了最强烈的。两年前，我想学会如何弹奏著名的贝多芬第二十一号钢琴奏鸣曲作品53＂华尔斯坦＂，这是一首非常激情澎湃的乐曲。同时在我的潜意识里，我也固执地坚持着当年外婆对我的教诲＂世上无难事，只怕有心人＂。
自2010年春天的伊始，我就开始练习这一出了名的极具挑战性的长篇曲子“华尔斯坦”。我真的是迷上了它，一次次地在其凄婉苦楚的尾声里成为了它的俘虏。
练习曲子的第一天，我进行分手练习，熟悉乐谱，然后打节奏，乐句，力度变化，韵律等等一系列系统地练习。我每天都要练习华尔斯坦一个小时，有的时候甚至更多，与此同时我也兼顾着其他曲子的练习。渐渐地我开始掌握每一个乐章里的细节，曲子内涵的层次鲜明的主题，矛盾激化的情愫。所有的这一切都是在我钢琴老师丽萨.科瓦尔丽科（茱莉亚音乐学院晚间部）的悉心教导下进行的。一年以后我已经开始能够记下这一长达三十三页的音乐巨著了。
在这一年的早些时候，我仅凭记忆弹奏这首乐曲。一想到我马上就要修炼成功能够在家人和朋友面前表演这首曲子的时候，我就开始喜不自胜，心中阵阵的喜悦如涓流一般流淌不止。接下来，大概是在同一时期内，我决定创建华人格化（CP）— 我的新媒体公司。一时间我觉得像被两个爱人在用力地争抢，无法自拔。
但是我还是坚持每天早上练习钢琴，然后让我的团队成员在我练习完钢琴之后来上班。
但事实上练习这样一首高难度乐曲的同时忙着新公司的筹划和业务的开展真的是让我筋疲力尽。实际上，有的时候是一件很痛苦的事情，无论是在身体上还是在精神上。我发现我身体和情感上的大部分精力都投入到了打造华人格化上，所以对于华尔斯坦的情感寄托和坚持就是一种挑战自己的超负荷。在过去的几个月中，我每天的练习时间从一小时减少到45分钟，后来又减到30分钟，而且我对于乐谱的记忆也停留在了第七页，到了第十七页的时候，我的手指就有点儿不听使唤了，我的节拍竟然也从第一页就开始混乱了！但是我依旧像一头倔强的公牛一样，在继续坚持着，耕耘着。
而残酷的现实终究还是在过去的这个周末降临了，当科瓦尔丽科小姐给我上课时，对我所有的缺陷和错误都进行了严厉的批评，当然她是为了我好。
“上一次我听你弹的时候（那还是在华人格化创办之前），你弹奏的非常棒，但是这一次，就逊色了很多了。”科瓦尔丽科小姐如是说，听起来是那样的失望和恼火。“我知道你可以把这首曲子弹的很好的，我只是想督促你一直坚持你应有的水准，然后提高到更高的水平。你可以做到的。但是……”当她继续指责我所有技术上和音乐上的莫名其妙的错误的时候，我再也忍不住了，大声地脱口而出了句“够了”。她吃了一惊，要知道我从来都没有和她顶过嘴，直到现在。
我意识到我的表现不但没有达到她的预期，而且她批评我的一切都是我曾经听过的。这意味着什么？我竟然会勃然大怒。看来我真的需要从华尔斯坦的醉人音符中清醒了，离开这一我煞费苦心地从忙碌的生活和事业中挤时间练习了两年的乐曲了。因为我的停滞不前已经开始让科瓦尔丽科小姐和我一样的痛苦了。
在经历了那次的情感爆发以后，我思考着“华尔斯坦”还有我那对钢琴的炙热感情，我意识到我固执地想要克服一切困难的坚持，所谓的“世上无难事，只怕有心人” — 也许在特定的情境下，这并不是明智之举。
此刻我西化的及时行乐的思维模式又占据了我内心的主导地位，我突然明白了，我应该策略性地优先和满足我的热情和兴趣，更好的调整自己对自己的预期和别人对我的期待。
在今天快要结束的时候，作为一个完整的自我，最让我开心的就是我在对自己最重要的领域里做到了最好，也包括我最爱的领域，社会和群体。钢琴是我的兴趣之所在，而我对钢琴的爱是远远超越“华尔斯坦”的。
在这个秋天，当我重回茱莉亚音乐学院的时候，我将要开始练习弹奏巴赫和肖邦的序曲，我希望练好之后能够再次弹给我的家人和朋友们听。