The taboo topic of Asian American women dating outside their racial circle was reignited recently by Jenny An’s “I’m an Asian Woman and I Refuse to Ever Date an Asian Man”, where she bluntly announced that she’s a racist because she dates white males to make herself more American. As an Asian American female dating a white male, I couldn’t disagree more with her philosophy. Dating is about who we are attracted to, who we want to be with, and who we are compatible with.
If Jenny An wished for a white man to reaffirm her Americanness, I find it to produce an opposite effect. Going to predominately white communities with my boyfriend, I wonder if people look or treat me differently than they do him sometimes. Having a white boyfriend isn’t a “get out of jail free” card in America. People still say racist things, including “Your English is so good” or “Where are you really from?” Like most Asian Americans, regardless of gender, we’ve had to negotiate these feelings of being treated as an outsider. Having a body guard works as well as putting a Band-Aid over a fracture. Jenny An should probably start with figuring out how to be okay with her own skin rather than using her boyfriend’s as a shield.
My boyfriend is white. But this isn’t a judgment made on white or Asian guys. There have been white guys interested in me before who I could never date. These are the ones who spurn racial and cultural variances instead of embracing them. My boyfriend couldn’t be more different. While others refrained from my home cooked Chinese food, he ate it with relish. My boyfriend isn’t a metaphor for all white men, just as I’m not a metaphor for all Asian women. He doesn’t want to change me – that would defeat the point of dating me.
Does race play into my interracial relationship? Yes and no.
Asian males argue that their female counterparts benefit from the Yellow Fever phenomenon because we women can use it to advance in the dominant white society. While I understand the difficulties of Asian males in the interracial dating compartment, being treated as a sex object to fulfill someone’s dream of an exotic, subservient toy is not enjoyable (unless that’s what you’re into). No one likes being treated as a thing.
My boyfriend and I often have deep and serious talks about race. He has learned from me how difficult it can be to look different and not fit the norm. I’ve shared stories of discrimination. On the other hand, I’ve learned that in some ways I, as someone Asian, can take the word “racist” and fling it at white people and destroy them. We learn from each other.
I asked my white boyfriend if he ever thought of me as “exotic.” He looked at me with raised eyebrows and firmly answered, “No.” If anything, we forget that he’s white and I’m Asian. We’re not colorblind, but color doesn’t define us.
最近有关亚裔美国女性约会于她们种族圈之外的禁忌话题由于Jenny An的言论“我是一个亚洲女人，我曾拒绝和亚洲男人约会”（
http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/asian-woman-dating-asian-men-jenny-an）而重新被点燃。她直截了当地声称她是一个种族主义者，因为约会白人男性使她觉得自己更像美国人。作为一个正和白人男性约会的亚裔美国女性，我完全不同意她的观点。约会是有关我们被谁吸引，我们想和谁在一起，以及我们能和谁共处。
如果Jenny An是想通过约会白人男性来重申她的美国身份，那么我觉得只会适得其反。当跟我的男友去白人占主导地位的圈子时，相比我男友，有时候我会纳闷他们这些人是否会以不同的方式看我或对待我。在美国交一个白人男友并不意味着是一张“自由出狱”卡。人们仍然会说一些带有种族主义性质的话，包括“你的英语真好”或“你原本来自哪里？”同大多数的亚裔美国人一样，不论性别，我们本应该对被视为局外人的这些感受加以交涉。拥有保镖如同在伤口处贴上创口贴一样有用。Jenny
An或许应该开始弄明白如何接受自己的肤色，而不是用她男朋友作为挡箭牌。
我的男朋友是白人，但这不是对于白人或亚洲男性的审判标准。之前一直有白人男性对我感兴趣，但我永远不会与之交往。这些人只会排斥种族和文化的差异，而不是试着接受它们。我的男朋友实在太与众不同了。当一些人抵制我在自己家里做的中餐时，他却吃得津津有味。
我的男朋友并不是所有白人男性的典范，正如我也不是所有亚洲女性的典范。他并不想改变我，因为那样只会抹去与我约会的意义。
种族差异是否影响着我的感情关系呢？可以说有也可以说没有。
亚洲男性认为亚洲女性受益于黄热病现象，
因为我们女人可以用它来融入白人的主流社会。虽然我理解亚洲男性在种族间约会中的困难，但是被作为性对象或服从性的玩偶而对待，从而来满足一些人对异国情调的幻想却同样是令人不愉快的事（除非那就是你所向往的）。没有人喜欢被当作一样东西。
我和我的男朋友经常进行有关种族问题的深入且严肃的对话。他从我地方了解到看起来与众不同而且不符合常规是有多么的痛苦。我也与他分享有关种族歧视的故事。另一方面，作为一个亚洲人，我知道在某些方面我可以提及“种族主义者”一词，将其扔向那些白人并将其摧毁。只能说我们互相学习。
我曾经问我男朋友是否认为我富有“异国情调”，他竖起眉毛看着我并坚定地回答：“没有。”如果有的话，我们也早已忘记了他是白人，而我是亚洲人。我们不是色盲，但是肤色并不会界定我们。