The Boo Arm Wave不要部摇

“Oh don’t worry, ever since the Olympics everyone there speaks a little English.”

There are all sorts of pervasive myths about China in the West.* Some are true (“OMG!! They eat puppies!!!”), some are not (“OMG!! They eat cockroaches!!!”) but none were as damagingly untrue in getting me prepared as that little golden nugget of common wisdom. No, not everyone in China speaks “a little English.” They do study it for years, but as many of my American friends that have been studying Spanish for the past 8 years but struggle to say “hola” could probably tell you, that’s no guarantee of any sort of practical knowledge.

Sure, occasionally you will meet through friends someone that speaks amazingly well, and having never left the country will claim to have learned by watching “Friends,” which is amazing, or like my roommate, by watching Chris Rock comedy stand-up, which is just beyond the realm of my comprehension. But aside from that, and the foreign-educated, don’t expect anyone in the street to know more than the “HALLO?!” that they will scream at you in passing. (“OK-le 了” is also common for anyone trying to get you to agree to some sort of overpriced rickshaw ride. Beware of OK-le). I have even met people going to college in the States who can neither understand me nor construct an intelligible sentence.

In fact, most Chinese people, even in a very international city like Beijing, have had very little contact with foreigners. The good news about that is that, most of the time, you can expect a degree of patience for your desperate sign language and baby Chinese that’s just not plausible in any other major city in the world. The bad news is that you will occasionally run into people that get so nervous at the sight of your big nose and weird-colored hair that they will just completely shut down. That’s where the “Boo arm wave” comes in.

You ask a question in your best Chinese. They look up. They see you, and regardless of the quality of your tones, they decide that looking that way you can’t possibly speak a word of Mandarin. Their arm flies in front of their torso, with their extended palm facing you, rapidly swinging their elbow from side to side. “Boo boo boo boo boo!” You try again. They refuse to make eye contact. If you need any information from them, you might as well start looking for someone else to ask. If you need to buy something, they will simply not acknowledge the fact that you asked “多少钱？” repeatedly, in their language, and thus presumably also know how to count, and instead they’ll type it on a calculator and push it your way. Ego: crushed.

But don’t despair! Don’t let your would-be-Chinese-speaking spirit get down! If you want to find someone that will insist on having a one hour long conversation with you even if you cannot understand a word they’re saying, just grab your homework, a really good book, or something else that makes you look incredibly busy and not available to talk and head to a park. You’ll have company within 10 minutes, and they might grab your book from your hand, flipping slowly from page to page, giggling at the words you’re trying to learn. It works every time, especially when you don’t want it to.

*I am Colombian by birth and passport, but lived in the US through high school and college, long enough to make me about equal parts American, at least in psyche and propensity to get offended (I bet at least a couple American readers got offended by that). Expect more on how China is seen differently in my two home countries in future posts.

中国人是有吃狗肉，但是蟑螂不吃。可是最对我有害的外国迷信就是以上的。不是每个中国人都会讲＂一些＂英语。他们是学了很多年，但是我随一个学过西班牙语的美国朋友都可以告诉你，学了几年不代表一定会说得流利。
那当然，偶尔会遇到一个说得特别顺的人，而他会说他从来没出过国，是看美国搞笑连戏剧学的。或像我的室友，是看Chris Rock的搞笑而学会讲英语的，真的是不可思议。可是除之以外，只有在外国深造的中国人才会讲英语。街边上遇见的人。。。别说了，没戏，最多只能盼着一个＂HALLO？！＂我甚至见到几个要去美国上大学的学生连一句英语也说不出口，别说了解我在说什么了。
（＂OK了＂也是一个经常听到的句子。平常听到时是因为有人想要你的钱，或者想要骗你买个过贵的东西。这句话得小心。）
其实大多数的中国人从来没见过外国人，北京这个国际城市也不例外。好消息呢是，见到你的符号语言时，他们的耐性可大，比世界上别的城市人员多得很。坏消息是，偶尔会见到一些一看到你的怪头发和畸形的鼻子就慌张得说不出话的人。怎么办呢？只好不要部摇。
第一，先使用你最好的华语问你的问题。第二，他们一见到你时就会决定，看起来这样的人一定不会讲华语。第三，他们的手部会在他们的身体的前面摇晃，手掌心对着你，一直不停地说，＂不不不不不！＂第四，从头开始，又试一试。可是他们连看你也不看一眼。第五，绝望。找别人吧，这儿没戏。如果你想要买东西的话，你问多少次＂多少钱？＂他们死也不会承认你了解一些华语，也听得懂数目，比较喜欢把他的答案打进一个计算机给你看。自信：毁了。至少他们没有给你个＂OK了＂。
可是别绝望，别伤心。如果你就是甚至互相不了解也一定得找到个愿意花费一个小时与你相谈的人的话，没关系，有好办法。第一，拿起你的功课，或一本好书，或一样会让你看起来很忙很忙，没时间聊天，超忙的东西。第二，去一去公园。第三，坐下，开工。保证你十分钟之内会有几个＂伙伴＂，而他们很可能会抢你的书，慢慢的参考你想要学的词，边读边笑。你别无选择：这秘技是百发百中的。特别是你想一个人的时候，它会非常有效的OK了。