During high school, every morning when I stepped into the classroom, I could always find the class schedule for the day on the right side of the blackboard, which read, “Math/ Math/ English/ History/ P.E./ Lunch break/ Chinese/ Chinese/ Music.” The first class started at 8:00 a.m. and we weren’t allowed to leave the school until 4 p.m. Each class was 40 minutes long with 10 minutes breaks in between. It was a very disciplined school life, which somewhat limited my freedom— I couldn’t choose when to have class and what courses to take. Yet, my life was also pretty simple at the time, because I just followed the class schedule and did the required assignments, and I was free of other worries.
However, moving into college, I’ve become the designer of my own schedule and make more and more choices on my own— from when to do laundry to which course to take. I can choose to be an “early bird” or sleep until 10 a.m. I can decide whether to work out everyday or indulge myself in laziness. I can take only 3 courses this semester, or I can burden myself with tons of schoolwork and extracurricular activities. It’s all up to me. I’m excited to be free, but I also feel the burden of freedom. As long as I make all the choices myself, I am the one who bears all the responsibility for my choice. If things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. So I have to think carefully about my choices, especially when I’m making an important decision.
Thus, making decisions by myself isn’t as easy as it sounds. Before the fall semester course registration began, I found it hard to arrange my course schedule. I could choose courses from almost any field from anthropology to visual arts, so how can I narrow down my choices? At first I tended to overestimate my limits— “Probably I can handle 5 tough courses and 3 extracurricular activities while getting 8 hours sleep everyday.” But that turned out to be an illusion, because I was stressed out with so many things to do at the same time. So I have to give up something, and giving up is the hardest part. How to make choices between one thing and another? Why this and why not that? I need to weigh the pros and cons of different choices I have, and that requires a lot of thinking.
Before I decided to take French this fall, I kept asking myself: why do you want to take a foreign language and why French? Some study French in order to immigrate to Quebec; some want to study abroad in France. What about myself? Learning a new language broadens my eye and introduces me to new culture, and I’ve been interested in France since I fell in love with the 1999 French musical Notre Dame de Paris. But learning language is very time-consuming. In order to keep up my French, I need to do listening practice, grammar exercises and review every lesson after class. We have exams almost every two weeks and several small quizzes in between. So if I take French, I have to give up other interesting courses like history, music, etc.
After very careful consideration, I finally decided to take French, which turned out to be a great decision. Since it’s my own choice to study French, I learn new words and expressions with greater motivation, and actively participate in class. When I gradually discover that though not very fluently, I can express myself and talk with others in French, I feel more encouraged to keep going on. All my classmates are there in the classroom not because the French course is required, but because they want to be there to learn the things they love.
When I’m given the chance to make choices freely, I have to think more before moving into actions. Even though my advisor, friends and family could give me all kinds of suggestions, it is still me who make the final decision. But the burden of freedom also impels me to reflect upon my goals and values, and motivates me to work harder on the road I’ve chosen for myself. I bear the burden of freedom, but I also reap its rewards.