It all starts with a tuxedoed dwarf that welcomes you at the door. Then a throne, hanging red velvet curtains, and a giant portrait of Napoleon at the height of his glory. Then, as you start your descent into the underground atop a long gold escalator, a swirl of Versaillesque paintings with ornate gilded frames floats above you in unexplainable disarray. It’s only midnight and you already feel like Alice entering Wonderland. You remind yourself you’re not high at all, just in Beijing.
This is Chocolate. This nightclub in Beijing’s Russian district, Yabaolu, is almost a parody of itself. With a characteristically Russian disregard for aesthetic restraint, it combines all that is kitschy, all that is trashy and tacky and too much, all of the stereotypes about clubs that go too far and make this the most glorious nightlife establishment one could ever visit. This thing could have its own Stefon episode in Saturday Night Live.
You head to the bar. Half a dozen middle-aged Ukranian platinum blondes with their breasts tied tight around their throats hang around swirling a glass of some vodka drink that’s getting warm from all the waiting. At first, you feel bad for these aging women’s last attempt at party-going youth, and then you realize that this is, well, “business” as usual. A fifty-something Chinese man, who seems to have Googled (Baidu-ed?) “cool things” and put them all together, hangs out by the bar channeling surfer dude, mafia boss, and yuppie all at once. In his Abercrombie and Fitch polo shirt, pastel colored, with its collar popped up and a size too small to cover his pot belly, he lights a cigar and puts the lighter back in the pocket of his shorts.
Oh, then the show starts! It’s a collage of bizarre skits with surprisingly high production value that, if one is to believe the Internet, is choreographed by a man called Maximillian Pusiy. MAXIMILLIAN PUSIY. I can’t even make this stuff up.
An octopus woman with each of her tentacles a different almost-dressed dancer squirms around to Russian techno. This is followed by various scenes including comically obese women stripping, a skit mocking the Beijing Opera, and a troupe of sexy librarians. Then a performer -–no, an athlete—comes out that has single-handedly convinced me that pole dancing should be made into an Olympic sport. Straight from some ex-soviet gymnastics camp, this girl flies up a 20 foot pole and starts spinning at dizzying speeds. I have no previous experience as a pole dance spectator, and from the dropped jaws all around me I can tell I am not the only one in awe.
一切都从一位站在门口迎接你进来的西装小矮人开始。然后会看到一个宝座，红色的丝绒窗帘还有一张很大的拿破仑画像显示出他辉煌的过去。接着你从一个金色的电梯降落道底层。那里你看到了一个又一个的华丽的画神秘的旋转在你眼前。还没过凌晨12点你就仿佛自己像爱丽丝一样进入了一个梦游仙境。你告诉你自己这一切不是幻觉，自己没有头脑不清醒。这只是北京。
这地方是巧克力。这是一家在北京的俄国区，雅宝路，的酒吧。设计可以说是特别滑稽。这酒吧把所有极端的，庸俗的，和一切让你连想到酒吧的元素通通建设进去让顾客享受一下最雍容华贵的夜生活。这吧可以有一个自己的电视节目像Stefon episode Saturday Night Live。
你进了酒吧就会看到六七个金发碧眼的中年乌克兰的女人站在那里喝
沃特加酒而且胸部个个都快挤到喉咙了。一开始你会为他们感伤因为你觉的她们还想要抓住青春的尾巴。但你不久就发现其实这一切都很正常，都是谈生意的一部分。你会看到一位中年男子跟一群老板和冲浪哥们都玩在一起。他会穿着粉色Abercrombie的衬衫然后领子还会竖起来。你也会看到他的大肚腩露出来因为那衬衫太小遮不住。然后他会点燃他的雪茄然后把打火机放回口袋。这是真正的表演就要开始了。会有很多很无厘头的短剧。
一个穿着章鱼服装的女人会跟着一些俄国techno摇来摇去。接着会有很多诡异的表演像胖妞脱衣还有一些讽刺京剧的表演。还有很厉害的钢管舞。那可厉害了。我觉得都可以成为奥运的一个比赛项目。她肯定以前是在饿国学体操的。他一下子就飞上一个高达20英寸的钢管开始旋转。我以前都没看过这样的表演。看完者表演后不只我一个目瞪口呆。
当你要离开时，你去了一趟洗手间。这时你再次的感觉到这种地方只有北京才有。那是一个俄国和中国风格的最佳结合。那是一个很闪亮很有光泽的金色蹲式坑厕。哇这也太牛了吧！