The tyranny of distance 距离的残酷

A fight in a long-distance relationship is especially painful, but it is something that all of us on the road face one time or another. Now with 微信 (Weixin), relationship knots are even harder to untangle.

On my recent visit to Taipei I witnessed my local friend fighting with his girlfriend who lived in Beijing. For two days I spent comforting him as he struggled to overcome his obsessive urge to be always in touch with her. I witnessed as he slowly fell deeper and deeper into a cycle of self-pity, anger, then sadness.

Any visitor who traverses the subways of Taipei, Shanghai and Beijing, will see that most kids are glued to their phones. Many of them are on Weixin, a mobile phone application in China that lets users send voice recorded messages, texts, videos instantly. With over 300 million registered accounts in China, it has become a behemoth in the mobile space. But when relationships turn sour, such intense interconnectivity can severely strain fragile relationships.

One night I awoke to see my friend in Taipei lying in bed with his head propped up 90 degrees, staring into the hot white glowing mobile screen. Occasionally he touched the screen, his eyes bulging and rimmed from lack of sleep. Weixin made it easier for him to stay in touch with his girlfriend, sure, but it also made it easier to harass, abuse and beg.

All night and the next day he read over and over text messages and Weixin voice records from the past. He woke to the phone and fell asleep to the phone. He knew there was no point in rehashing old messages, but he couldn’t help it, he said. I forced him out of the house in the afternoon, and we took the train to 淡水(an area along the coast in Taipei). The walk along the waters helped a little.

My friend’s problems in Taiwan made me think about my own long-distance relationship. Would it be possible without things like Weixin and Skype to keep in touch every day? Possible, sure, but a lot harder. And then of course there are those of my parents’ generation, who endured long-distance relationships for years at a time to carve out a living. Long-distance phone calls were then luxuries alongside ice cream and eating out. Letters took months to arrive. Yet it would be a stretch to say that a generation ago love somehow did not need to be validated by words; it was less painful for them to be apart from each other.

Maybe it is trust. Maybe no amount of Weixin or otherwise can replace trust – trust in that the thing we have is bound not by words or distance, but bound only by the capacity of our heart to let go.

一段长距离恋爱关系中的争吵是格外痛苦的，但是这也是我们所有在这条路上的人时不时会碰到的问题。现在有了微信，关系中碰到的疙瘩确更难得解开了。

我最近去台北的时候，我目睹了我当地的朋友和他住在北京的女朋友吵架的过程。在他痛苦的想要抑制自己总是想要跟她联系的心情的过程中，我花了整整两天时间安慰他。我眼睁睁地看着他慢慢地在自责、愤怒然后悲伤的循环中越陷越深。

任何在套杯、上海和北京的地铁中穿梭的旅客都会看到大多数的孩子手里都时时刻刻捧着他们的手机。他们中的很多都在用微信。那是中国的一个能让用户即时收发语音消息、文字信息和视频手机应用。现在，微信在中国的注册用户已经超过了三亿人，显然已经是移动产业中的佼佼者了。但是当一段感情已经变得酸涩了的时候，这样紧密的互相联系是会严重的束缚住这脆弱的感情的。

有一天晚上我从睡梦中醒来，看到我台北的朋友躺在床上把头撑起90度，死死盯着那炽热的发着白色光芒的手机屏幕，偶尔点击一下手机屏幕，他的眼睛因为缺乏睡眠都肿起来了并带着黑眼圈。显然，微信让他更容易跟他女朋友获得联系，但是也让骚扰纠缠谩骂和哀求变得更容易了。

那一整晚和接下来的一天他一遍遍地读着以前的短信、收听以前的两人发过的微信。他知道这么重看以前的信息是没有意义的，但是他无法控制自己。下午我逼着他出了门，然后我们搭上去淡水（台湾沿岸的一片区域）的列车。沿着水边的漫步似乎对他起了些积极的影响。

我台湾朋友的问题让我反过头来思考了下自己的异地恋情。如果没有微信和Skype的话保持联系还是可能的么？当然可能性还是有的，但是显然会比较难。当然也有我父母那一代人，他们曾经忍受了那么多年的远距离恋爱并形成了一种生活方式。长途电话在那个时候是向冰淇淋和下馆子一样奢侈的。写信要花很长的时间才能寄到。但是也不能说上一代人的爱情不需要言语来证明；对他们来说彼此分离并不那么痛苦。

也许是信任的关系吧。也许微信或者其他东西并不能代替信任 —— 对那维系两人感情的东西并不是语言或者距离而是我们内心能放手的程度的信任。