Conversations like this on our upcoming college life have recurred during the various get-togethers with my elementary, middle, and high school classmates. They all have their own distinct destinations for college, from Ivy League schools to Peking University, and from Beijing Film Academy to Beijing Technology Institute. However, despite our different choice of school, all of us share one thing in common, and that is, coming from traditional Chinese schools dominated by scores and adults’ idea of excellence, we do feel that our freedom is just around the corner.
“My first assignment at school is to get a boyfriend.” In one of my friends’ high school, relationships are frowned upon by students and teachers, so she has not yet had a chance to be in a relationship. She hopes that, once in college, she will have plenty of chances to meet guys, with nothing standing in her way. She can finally apply what she has read from romance novels to real life.
We also have graver thoughts. Another friend scored not so well in her Chinese college entrance exam, so she will have to major in something she knows nothing about.* What will this do to her life? Will she really enjoy her four years, or rather suffer through materials that don’t make any sense to her? What can she do after graduation?
As friends we try to console her by saying that she will fall in love with her major eventually. EVEN if she doesn’t, she can still pursue a career not related to her major. Besides, even though college is a very crucial time, it’s not so crucial that it determines the full course of her life.
These words I also say to myself. Ever since knowing my college application results, I’ve been thinking about my future four years. The condition mentioned earlier also concerns me. What shall I do with this freedom, where there is nothing like college application results or entrance exam scores that set standards for all? Standing at the gate to my college, after 18 years of trials and errors, I still don’t know exactly what I will pursue in my life. My dream hides behind a painted veil; I can imagine what it’s like, but I have no concrete idea about what it is. Maybe the best way to march on is to continue experimenting, actively eliminate choices, and engage in new opportunities and possible paths. As we say to our friends, if I don’t figure out the answer, I can still make informed changes of mind after graduating college.
As I spend my last few days in Beijing, I feel both excited about future and nostalgic about what I’ll leave behind. Now when I talk with my parents, I know that this is one of the last moments I’ve got with them. I often find myself gazing at them trying to remember their faces clearly. When I walk the road I’ve walked thousands of times in front of my apartment, I know that the next time I see it will be months away. I try hard to “keep” the present, but still it passes. I’ve realized though, that I shall treasure and enjoy my future—in a different country, school, and period—just as much as I am treasuring my present right now, so that there will be no regrets. With this determination, I embark on a new journey.
* Chinese universities accept students by major according to their College Entrance Exam results. Universities may accept students in majors other than the desired ones, if the student’s score is not satisfactory enough. It is really hard to switch majors once enrolled in school.