What makes a relationship – Unhealthy?什么样的关系不健康？

Unhealthy. It’s a word we most often associate with food and less with people, but why? In my experience, it seems we are more likely to call someone “emotionally manipulative” than to label a relationship “unhealthy,” not so unlike our reluctance to name a friend or a lover emotionally “abusive.” Why is that, when it’s so clear to a third party? “Emotionally manipulative” makes it sound like it’s the other person’s problem. He or she is in the wrong. However, openly acknowledging a relationship in your life (lover, friend, family) is unhealthy brings into question your own role. Just like that third piece of pizza you consume, you are making a choice while knowing, deep down, this might not be the right thing. Because you see, it takes two to tango. It’s just like the word “abusive.” Once it’s spoken aloud, it’s hard to go back because you have openly admitted that you care about someone who is toxic for you. This is why, I assume, it’s so hard for us to say someone we for whatever reason have feelings for is an unhealthy relationship.

Nowadays people tend to take my words less seriously because I am in a happy relationship. I get the sense people don’t want me to hear what I have to say because I’m one of the “lucky few” and don’t understand. But that’s the thing – I do understand. Before my current relationship, I had a very toxic on again off again friendship with someone who I desperately cared about. There were a lot of varying factors that got it to get as bad as it did, but the stark fact of the matter was I had a friendship of five years that had gone from good to bitterly sour.

Someone recently asked me to explain what I thought of this friend, who I will call Fred. I had been taken aback by the question. Another friend at the table who knew both Fred and me quickly answered, “A jackass.” But I said, “No. It’s more than that. Imagine Fred is a guy who is offering you a big slice of chocolate cake. You’re like, wow, cake, thanks! You go over and take a bite of the cake, and then Fred suddenly knees you in the balls.” This prompted a whoop of laughter from my listeners. “And then you’re like, ‘Dude, you just kneed me in the balls!’ But Fred will look at you, bewildered, and say, ‘Uh, no, I just gave you chocolate cake.’ Once you finally get him to recognize that he had kneed you in the balls, he’ll sheepishly say, ‘Sorry’ and expect to be forgiven. And then he’d do it all over again.”

Finally, after years of this, I made the break. I cut ties with him. At first, it was really difficult, and I had really missed him, this person who I had grown used to talking to every day. But – surprise, surprise, my life became so much better. That unhealthy blob of unhappiness eased away. I found someone who made me happy and, for the first time, have a truly healthy relationship. Sometimes when you’re not in a good relationship (and really, this could be anyone, including a family member), the heart that you need to break might be your own. Time and past happiness are not reasons to remain close to someone abusive. Sometimes the right thing to do for yourself is to make that break.

So – one thing to keep in mind, a relationship can be emotionally abusive – your partner, friend, or family member doesn’t have to physically hurt you to be considered someone unhealthy in your life.

“不健康”这个词，我们经常把它和食物一起讲，而很少用在人身上。为什么呢？根据我的经验，我们貌似喜欢说有些人“喜欢操控别人情绪”，而很少形容一段关系“不健康”，不太情愿说一个朋友或者情人情绪“暴躁”。为什么会有这样的情况出现呢？特别是旁观者看得一清二楚的时候？“喜欢操纵别人情绪”听上去像是别人的问题，别人负有责任。但是，公开承认自己生活中的关系（情人，朋友，家人）出现问题时，自己往往遭受质疑。就像自己吃第三块披萨的时候，你内心深处知道这块披萨其实不合自己口味。  因为你知道，一个巴掌拍不响。就像“暴躁”这个词一样，一旦说出口，就很难收回，因为自己已经公开承认你在意让你中毒对你暴躁那个的人。我想这就是我们几乎不会说我们有不健康关系的原因，不管这个原因是什么。

现在人们不太像从前那样认真听从我的建议，因为我在一段很愉快的关系中。我觉得人们不想听我的肺腑之言，因为我是少数的幸运儿，并不理解他们的痛苦。但事实是——我完全理解。在我这一段关系之前，我与一个我非常关心的人有一段让我反反覆覆痛不欲生的友谊。尽管友情直转急下的原因一言难尽，但事实是我经历了这段持续五年从甜蜜到苦涩的友谊。

有人最近问我对这个叫弗雷德的朋友有什么看法。我对这个问题感到很吃惊。桌上有一个了解我和弗雷德的朋友很快给出了答案，“他是蠢蛋。”但我说，“不，不仅如此。想象一下弗雷德给了你一大块巧克力蛋糕。你会想，蛋糕太棒了，谢谢！你走过去尝了一口蛋糕，然后弗雷德突然用膝盖顶你的裆部。” 听众被我的话引出一片笑声。“然后你说，‘哥们，你刚顶了我的裆部！’但弗雷德会疑惑地看着你说，‘呃，没有，我刚不是给了你巧克力蛋糕吗！’一旦你让他最终承认他顶了你的裆部，他就会很窘迫地说‘不好意思’想得到你的原谅。然后他还会重复这样的行径。”

终于，继续了几年这样的状况后，我还是跟他分道扬镳了。刚开始会非常困难，我十分想念这个在我成长中每天与我聊天的人。但是——令人惊讶的是，我的生活变得更好了。这块令人不愉快的不健康斑点消失了。我第一次发现了真正能让我开心的人，让我有了真正健康的关系。有时候自己身处一段不好的关系里（真的，每个人都可能有，包括和家人），你可能会让自己伤心。共度的时间和过去的幸福时光不是跟暴躁的人继续亲近的理由。有时正确的选择反而是破坏这段关系。

值得注意的是，关系可能让你情感上受虐——你的伴侣、朋友或者家人也可能是你的生活中那个不健康的人，即使他们身体上不一定伤害你。