As my thumb scrolled through my Instagram feed, countless 1080px by 1080px photos of Christmas trees, Santa hats, and smiling families flooded into view.
Growing up, my family didn’t celebrate Christmas. But this year, I found myself feeling envious of friends and coworkers who were back home with family. As I stood in my apartment in New York, I thought about my family scattered across cities like Philadelphia, Shanghai, San Francisco, and more.
Before the wave of loneliness crashed over me, I put my phone down and dragged my carry-on luggage down from the top shelf of my closet. I placed it next to my bed, unzipped it, and peered inside. It was as if the suitcase was looking back up at me, saying: “Hey, chin up. You’re going home in 5 days too!”
I felt the familiar rush of excitement that I get before a trip and started to daydream about my journey back to Shanghai on December 30th. I imagined…
Walking out of baggage claim and seeing my parents.
Driving home through a different cityscape.
Noticing the small changes in my high school bedroom.
Celebrating the New Year as a family.
The challenges we faced as a family this year make my upcoming trip even more important, and I am hyper-aware of how precious our time together will be. As I stood over the empty suitcase, I also began to feel the immense space that separates me from home. A voice taunted me with insecure thoughts like: “it’ll be hard to leave” or “will Ma and Ba be healthy the next time I see them?”. I quickly tried to block the voice out and reminded myself that the trip hasn’t even started. No point in worrying about that now.
In an attempt to reclaim my feelings of excitement, I carefully placed the Panasonic water flosser my mom wanted and the body lotion my Dad had ogled over inside the carry-on. I recognized that on this trip back home, wedged between presents, clothing, and toiletries, will be a weighty dose of love and anticipation.